I Didn't Realize...

I didn’t realize when you found out you were pregnant, it was joy but it was also worry. Worries of (another) miscarriage. Worries of providing the best start of life.

I didn’t realize the day I was born, it was happiness but it was overwhelm. Overwhelming feelings - some insecurities and overwhelm wondering how you will split your time and attention between your children.

I didn’t realize that in the postpartum and newborn phase, it was love but it was hardship. Amongst the immense bonding came sleepless nights, breastfeeding obstacles, and tears. Many tears.

I didn’t realize that as I learned to crawl, walk and talk, it was awe but it was exhaustion. It was baby-proofing, it was distractions, it was the constant chase.

I didn’t realize that throughout the toddler ages, it was fun but it was challenging. Tantrums, non-listening ears, and never-ending questions.

I didn’t realize that on my first day of school, it was excitement but it was sadness. You smiled to let me know it was okay to let go but you cried your eyes out as you sat back in your car.

I didn’t realize that as you witnessed me grow, it was beauty but it was heartache. Part of guiding me was allowing me the space to make my own mistakes and waiting with open arms as I did.

I didn’t realize that at every major adult milestone, it was pride but it was fear. Graduations, marriage, childbearing, career-finding. You had to let me find my wings and remain confident in all my decisions, even the ones you wouldn’t necessarily make yourself.

I didn’t realize all that you gave and continue to give until I became a mother myself.

I didn’t realize what a gift you would be to my children. The ones you held tightly in your arms so I could take a shower. The ones you make belly-laugh so hard they can hardly breathe. The ones who proudly call you grandma. The ones who on their tippy-toes peer out of the window awaiting your arrival...because you bring treats, you play, you kiss, you love and you adore.

The compromises tremendous. The love unconditional. You are my mom. I am forever grateful for you.